Why are we afraid ?

Anna Sukhov
Today I talk with Anna Sukhovoj - a psychologist, a coach, having practical experience in the field of counseling and applied activities in the business.At the present time - an employee of the Department of Moscow State University (Department of Psychology, Department of "Extreme psychology and psychological assistance").

BKEach person has been, is and will be your fears.This is perfectly normal.After all, fear is itself a motive of self-preservation of all life - as is the nature.

Where do fears come from and how they prevent people realized in life, to achieve the desired results and goals, to be happy and loved?

ASOrigin of fear begins in early childhood, when his parents warned us: "Do not go there, and then hit", "Caution!Will it hurt! "" Gently! "And much more ... All this says little
little man that the outside world is hostile and must worry constantly about their safety.

In this case, the fears of adults and children are broadcast on the first form in the child's mind the concept of

"fear."When we grow up, we pass around these fears to their children.Thus, a vicious circle.

Fortunately, all this can be changed!I'm sure every adult conscious person can, but more than that, should be able to overcome their fears.

BC.What fears are turning to you usually customers?

ASI think that the fears, warning people against foolish ideas that threaten life and health, we will not argue.It is obvious they need.

Let's touch on those fears, which are often referred to my clients:

  • «? And what if I ever do not like»
  • «I do not like (a) your photos»
  • «I'm afraid to call first (second)»
  • « I'm scared to come and get acquainted »
  • « it is terrible, then he (she) no longer calls? »
  • « I'm afraid that it (he) will not come »
  • « and I will make that impression,which I expect? »
  • « I'm afraid all of a sudden I did not mean that she (he) needed »
  • « I'm afraid to look stupid »
  • « I'm afraid to be imposed »
  • « I'm afraid that it (he) will go "
  • «I'm scared, I'm confused (I)»

BKSo you are basically working relations with fears?

ASYes, in the psychology of the relationship is the most common types of fears:
«I'm afraid for her (him) to come."But really, anything can happen: the refusal, and rudeness.

So it turns out: better not come at all - so calm?

«Yes!" - Most people will respond.And it will be a classic example of doing nothing: I do nothing, therefore, nothing bad happens.The most amazing thing is that in this case nothing positive happens, too.

obvious disadvantages of this position.

A) You do not get the experience of communion, the experience of new patterns of behavior and interaction with the opposite sex;not practiced communication skills: the ability to quickly start a conversation with the pleasant man and a fast orientation in an interview.

B) you are completely exclude the positive result.After all, at the beginning of the chances you 50/50.This means that you can get 50% of a successful outcome on the one hand, or, in the case of doing nothing, you'll get 100% negative result - there is no love, there is no relationship, there is only fear.

We need to start somewhere, show imagination, attract attention, and perhaps your liking object itself will come to you.Think about what a unique, special and original, you will be able to attract the attention ?!

BC.And if afraid to speak first?

ASAs often happens when you do not know precisely what all to talk to the opposite sex.In this case, the work-out to talk about anything with those of the opposite sex that you are not emotionally touched.

Analyze your feelings and emotions at the same time, believe me, it will be very easy, because there is no necessity and value of the object.Drawing a parallel, how you behave with the person to whom you think of calm, and how you feel in a meaningful human society.

And another important win-win situation: when do not know what to do and what to say, come and tell the truth: "I do not know what to say, I was uncomfortable, let's think together and choose the topic of conversation."This is the maximum discharge voltage atmosphere of the first meeting and is not perceived as critical as it seems at first glance.

BK Often people are afraid of the reaction of others.

ASWith that in general everything is simple.Almost everyone around you is afraid of the reaction of people around him, including yours.In Moscow, nearly 15 million people, and, most likely, others strangers you see the first and last time in my life.

Everyone has their own life experience and assesses another person from the perspective of his own experience, but fortunately 75% of our thoughts - the thoughts about yourself and only 25% remains on others.We are more concerned by themselves and do not have time to respond to the existence of other people.

BC.And if a person is afraid of failure?

ASThis is a very interesting fear.It is quite possible that each of the opposite sex favorite object will not answer you in return, in fact, we are faced with refusals everywhere, so many of them in our lives, that some of them we just do not pay attention already.

I want to touch on the positive side of failure.In fact, failure - a measure of clarity, he tells us that this man, who, it seems, suits us, in reality, it did not like us.And the resulting failure in the specific case warned not to waste time where the situation does not bring the desired result.

Very often customers who treat fear of failure, discount this fact and initially perceive rejection as a personal tragedy.Experience shows that a sharp negative reaction to the failure can not be longer than 24 hours, so cease to be afraid of what will happen.Even when that happens, in the worst case the negative will not be as disruptive and time-consuming as you think right now.

And another very interesting point: where the object of your adoration should know about your him (her) the sympathy ?!Maybe he (she) is also afraid of something and just about you ?!And this may be one of the reasons why these objects behave strangely and refuse even when they do not want it really.Do not make assumptions and take it all at his own expense, each person
his experience, and he responds on the basis of it, first and foremost.

BKI know people who want to be good for everyone.Afraid someone does not like it.

ASMost people are very critical of themselves to themselves.What is important is that the opposite sex does not notice and 20% of flaws that people ascribe to themselves.In imagination we are working on the most negative scenarios, imagining himself the most unattractive in the world, and even if we would talk endlessly that we are nice and cool, we still will not trust it a little.

Meanwhile, people, confident (though often they are objective reasons for self-disparagement), so create around himself an aura of comfort and attractive area that basking in the attention of the opposite sex objects.

BKPerhaps someone fears excite more someone less.Is there, in your opinion, the degree of fear?

ASThe main fears in the relationship can be divided into three levels from the increase in intensity:

  • fear of events and actions (fear to do something, do something wrong);
  • fear of their own states (emotions may be so uncomfortable, so you do not do anything - fear disappointment);
  • fear of not cope with internal states (the strongest state that a person can not control).

situation in love and first date often combine all of these kinds of fears in varying degrees: "I will not do it, because I'm afraid to call / write / learn, fear, not like that, I do not want to.Indeed, in this case, I'll look stupid and terribly bad feeling.I would be very uncomfortable. "

BKWhat can you advise?How to cope with fear?

ASI'll tell you about the five simple rules to help you cope with fears.

  1. Fear is always there when you're developing.We are afraid of the unknown, of what we have not done.This is normal.The fear unfortunately itself fails.
  2. The only way to get rid of fear - do what scared.Afraid to meet with those who loved - do it.Recall that on the first date, it is possible and necessary to speak the truth, to say exactly what you feel, "I'm so scared and nervous."This creates a surprising effect: it discharges the atmosphere and, fortunately, is not taken seriously.And, by the way, the typical excuse: "I'll do it, when to present the best moment."Know the best time ever will not be presented.
  3. only - the best time - especially when it's scary !!!Then there is the release of resources that are blocking your normal state of prolonged fear.Only once do what afraid, you will feel much better.There is a golden rule - what we imagined to be much worse than what it actually is.
  4. Everyone experiences fear in unfamiliar situations, and not just you.Be just a little curious, let yourself explore more new than to fear what has not happened yet.
  5. cope with fear less terrible than to feel it every day for many years and to be totally helpless in front of him.Allow yourself to dedicate one day to get rid of your fear, and you will understand what saving his nerves.

Finally, to build harmonious relationships need to get rid of the old familiar fears.Think that you are interesting - sit and be afraid of not getting anything, or is it to take risks and go where scary.

In psychology, there is a unique rule: the discomfort zone - the zone of proximal development, that is what we fear most is an important factor that contributes to our changes for the better in all aspects of our lives.

BKThey say that prevention is much cheaper than therapy ... What practical steps should be done to overcome possible fears?

ASI suggest customers to develop "Habit 21 days" - a very simple but effective method of learning something new.Psychological research shows that for getting rid of the old familiar strategies (to fear) and the acquisition of new positive strategies - courage and self-confidence - it takes about 21 days.

Analyze all read, but, unfortunately, to familiarize itself does not mean anything and can not change your behavior and emotional reactions.Real change happens only when you learn to follow the new knowledge and to use them in practice (daily for 21 days).This means that you will learn something new, then it forms into a kind of knowledge that becomes part of your thoughts and feelings, and later action and reaction.

BKAnna, thank you for the interview.What do you wish our readers?

ASI would like to add that in any relationship can happen anything, and it is impossible to predict in advance what will be the turn of events.Assuming the presence of fear in your life, you poison your current existence, clinging to the explanations and facts that justify and support your fears and omissions in building relationships.Start making very little, and you will be surprised how easy it is not scary ...

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